How Can I Fall in Love Again?

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Falling in love again after being hurt or experiencing loss can be hard. Y'all may experience afraid to permit yourself be vulnerable again if your previous partner hurt you. You lot may feel guilty to let yourself fall in love with someone new if you lost someone you loved. Nevertheless, there are some things you tin can do to help yourself be fix to love and be loved once again.

1. ane

   Understand that information technology'due south normal to feel confused about your feelings. The parts of your encephalon that deal with falling in dear are the same parts that handle physical pain and even habit.^[i] Falling in dearest tin feel wonderful, but it tin also cause serious emotional and even physical distress when you experience the loss of that love. Time tin can help you recover, simply it's not a process y'all tin can rush.

2. 2

   Affirm that y'all deserve love. Information technology can be difficult to believe that y'all deserve to be loved, particularly if you lot have experienced relationships that focused on criticizing your imperfections rather than accepting you as a person. However, everyone is worthy of existence loved, and you can help develop that sense of worthiness by practicing loving yourself. Learning to practise self-compassion can help y'all increase your feelings of cocky-worth.

   • Cocky-compassion involves three basic elements: self-kindness (accepting yourself as a flawed but worthwhile human being), common humanity (understanding that all humans make mistakes), and mindfulness (recognizing and accepting experiences without judging them).
   • If you catch yourself making generalizing statements such as "I'll never notice someone who loves me" or "Nobody wants me," try to find testify that challenges these statements, such as "I haven't found a romantic relationship yet, but I do have friends who like to be around me" or "My value does not depend on whether others want me. I am worthy of dear because I am human." Psychologists have demonstrated that challenging these cocky-negating beliefs can actually change how you feel nearly yourself.^[two]

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3. iii

   Consider meditation or mindfulness training. Practicing mindfulness is a cadre chemical element of self-compassion, and it can also help y'all during times of stress or feet. 1 of the nearly damaging things about experiencing the loss of a relationship is playing the "what if" game with yourself: "What if I'd said something dissimilar?" "What if I'd been taller/shorter/funnier?" Domicile on all of the possible ways things could have turned out differently will prevent you from beingness able to move on and discover new happiness. Meditation, which focuses on being present in the moment, can assist you get over obsessing about the by.^[3]

4. 4

   Explore your own identity. It'south very important to understand your core identity -- your hopes, your goals, your values -- before committing to a relationship with someone else. Knowing who you are, what you want, and what you value will aid y'all decide what things you tin compromise on and what are genuine deal-breakers. Understanding yourself will too assist yous avert looking for a relationship to "fulfill" things for y'all that you lot can only fulfill yourself.^[4]

   • Many things about a person can and practise change, but nosotros usually all take some core values that tend to remain abiding throughout our lives, such as ambition, honesty, consistency, flexibility, or vulnerability. These beliefs guide our behavior, choices, and actions. Understanding what these are for you will assist yous detect someone who shares them.^[5]
   • Other important things nigh yourself to consider could be whether or not you feel the want to take children, how yous approach earning and managing money, your decision-making processes, and your need to discover a partner who shares your religious behavior.^[vi]

5. 5

   Decide what yous want. Many people want the same basic things out of a romantic human relationship: dearest, support, companionship. However, how these desires manifest themselves vary between people. Take some time to explore your emotional needs and priorities and how your ideal partner could fulfill those. Figure out what is essential, and what you could comfortably compromise on.

   • Keep your expectations realistic. It's quite appropriate and healthy to desire a partner who respects and supports you; without those behaviors, you tin can't have a healthy human relationship. However, information technology'due south non salubrious to need a partner to make you experience "whole" or "worthwhile." Those are needs yous tin simply encounter for yourself.
   • It's common to have a list of "must-haves" for a partner, simply therapists say that the most important "must-have" in a romantic relationship is someone who shares your core values. For case, if you value emotional openness and the other person doesn't, it volition exist very difficult for you to maintain a fulfilling relationship.^[7]

6. 6

   Consider what works well in your other relationships. In guild to help you understand what blazon of person volition make you lot happy in a romantic relationship, consider the other relationships you lot take, such as those with friends and family, that yous feel satisfied by. What feelings do you feel in those relationships, and why? How practice those people relate to you and express their feelings for you?^[eight]

   • Also consider the types of friends y'all tend to have. While most of united states have friends with very different personalities, in many cases they volition still possess cadre traits that allow united states to grade fulfilling relationships with them. For example, if yous notice that most of your close friends are extroverts, you may desire to look for a partner who is extroverted. If you lot tend to accept very openly affectionate friends, a partner who is less emotionally demonstrative might not satisfy your needs.

7. 7

   Reverberate on what happened with past relationships. While it'due south tempting to try to never recall of an ex again after a pause-upward, research has demonstrated that people who reverberate on their recent pause-ups really recover more rapidly and easily than those who don't appoint in this reflection.^[ix] Expressing your feelings, whether to a therapist, a friend or to yourself in a journal, can help y'all recover from the emotional harm of a intermission-up and reinforce your positive sense of cocky.

   • Reflection can too help yous pinpoint whatever unhealthy or unproductive behaviors that occurred in your terminal relationship; often, those same behaviors will come back to haunt your new relationship unless you take activeness to change yourself and how you search for romance.

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1. 1

   Avoid the "fantasy bond" when forming a new relationship. This term was coined by psychologist Robert Firestone to describe a phenomenon that happens all too often in new relationships: Because of defensive behaviors established due to by hurts, the individuals inside a couple abandon their individual identities and interests to merge into a single unit of measurement, in the hopes that it will completely fulfill and protect them.^[10]

   • This causes problems because it doesn't allow either partner to live every bit a unique private within a healthy couple relationship. It fosters dependency, possessiveness, and putting the other person into a set "role" rather than accepting the challenges that come with existent adult relationships.^[11]
   • Signs of a "fantasy bond"-based relationship include:
     • Difficulty in expressing interests or ideas other than those you lot share with your partner
     • Relying on everyday routines for intimacy rather than emotional closeness
     • Overusing "we" statements, speaking for the other person
     • Defining yourself every bit a "role" (wife, mother, breadwinner, father) rather than developing personal goals and interests
     • Discomfort in pursuing any activities or interests on your own, without your partner (or discomfort if your partner does these things)

2. ii

   Establish meaningful advice with the other person. Especially if you've been hurt in love before, it may be hard for you to feel comfortable opening up well-nigh your real interests and feelings. Even so, if you want to develop a healthy, happy romantic human relationship, meaningful communication is essential.^[12]

   • Talk nearly your ideas, goals, and interests. The ability to share what's most important to you lot with another person is one of the highlights of romantic relationships.
   • Avoid mind-reading. Especially if you feel like you know someone well, it can be tempting to "read betwixt the lines" when they say something, particularly if that something has upset you. For instance, if your pregnant other forgot an important date for you, a mind-reading response would be: "You lot forgot this because you don't really care what's important to me." If you detect yourself or your significant other proverb things like "If you lot really loved me you would…." take a footstep back.^[13] Inquire the other person what happened; don't make assumptions.

3. 3

   Invite self-disclosure from the other person. Enquiry psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron has famously adult a listing of 36 questions that foster interpersonal intimacy, such as "If you knew that in one year you would dice suddenly, would you change anything about the way yous are at present living? Why?"^[xiv] These piece of work considering good questions practise more than inquire about surface-level interests; they invite discussion about the other person'south hopes, dreams, goals, and values.

4. 4

   Try not to idealize your partner. When you're experiencing the first heady rush of falling in love, information technology can be easy to idealize the other person as "the i," the just person who knows yous, fulfills you, or could perhaps understand you. The problem with this is that nobody tin live up to that ideal, and when you finally come to that realization, you may stop up overreacting to discovering your partner's flaws.^[15]

   • While you don't want to dwell on or overly criticize your partner's flaws, acknowledging them is healthy. All humans take flaws and make mistakes; being honest about this volition aid you accept the other person for who they are, rather than an idea of what you desire them to exist.

5. 5

   Be yourself. If your meaning other really loves you, s/he will accept you lot for who yous are, flaws and all. S/he should likewise accept that you have interests of your own that give significant to your life, and should not attempt to keep you lot from enjoying healthy pursuits. Being yourself in a romantic relationship not only gives y'all the freedom to exist happy and fulfilled, information technology allows the other person to express themselves and experience that liberty too.^[xvi]

   • Especially if you've experienced abusive or traumatic relationships in the past, it tin can be easy to feel as though you need to change yourself to brand yourself "lovable" to the other person. Even so, while we all make minor changes (keeping the business firm neater, showing upward on time, etc.) to accommodate the other person's needs, you should not feel as though you need to "settle" for someone who mistreats you or makes you experience as though you need to alter something central nigh yourself to make them happy.^[17] If you lot experience afraid to express your true feelings, or if you worry about acting as you unremarkably would around your partner, you lot may not be in a relationship that's healthy for you.

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• Question

  Can you fall in beloved with the same person twice?

  

  Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist past the California Lath of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Engineering science in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

  

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  Back up wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

  Yes, admittedly. People pause upwardly for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, they're not fix for the type of commitment that was required of them in that human relationship, or sometimes they need to grow personally. You could hands autumn back in love with somebody who went through a procedure similar that and then came dorsum into your life.

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• Don't cut your friends and family unit out of your life afterward a pause-up. Being effectually people who love and support y'all will help you motility on and be ready to fall in dear again.

• Try not to feel pressured to jump into a long-term relationship immediately. Information technology'southward okay to date casually for awhile, especially after a suspension-up, before you lot find another serious romance.

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Article Summary X

Falling in love again afterwards a loss or beingness hurt tin can be scary, but in that location are ways you can prepare yourself for a new relationship. The best way is to take time to grieve the loss of your relationship and affirm to yourself that you practise deserve love. While it's natural to have confusing feelings during this time, if you grab yourself making statements like "I don't deserve dear", try to find evidence that challenges those beliefs. For example, you lot tin tell yourself "My value doesn't depend on whether others want me. I am worthy of love considering I'yard man". In one case you experience comfortable seeing new people, try your best not to idealize your partner as the simply person who could possibly understand you lot. Falling in dear once again can be an incredible blitz, but idealizing someone volition just cause you to overreact when you lot realize their flaws. For more advice from our Mental Health co-author, like how to decide what yous want in a relationship, read on.

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